The Blogshevik

A Tale Of Birds And Bruised Fur-Faced Chickens

I get tired of pissing and moaning about politics and stupid politicians on this blog of mine, it’s time to shift the crosshairs a little. The better half happens to be a wildlife photographer and has all the toys in which to pursue her love of photography. Every once in awhile when she isn’t looking, I’ll take the big D2xs Nikon attached to an even larger Nikon 200-400mm lense and set out on a quest to take the perfect photo. It hasn’t happened yet and I continue to take shitty photos.

Today, while the better half was engrossed in a hugely important conference call, I spotted what appeared to be a hawk nail a pigeon in mid-flight, then dive to the ground with pigeon in talons. Getting all giggly, I grabbed the aforementioned camera and skipped like a horny 16 year old into the backyard, thinking this is the day I show up Ms. Pro Photog. As it turned out, this wasn’t the day and I doubt that day will ever come,  but I did capture a somewhat decent shot of a Coopers Hawk. Unfortunately, I had to shoot through a chain-link fence to do so, but it didn’t turn out too bad.

Showing the photo to Ms. Pro Photog, the first thing that spews from her yapper is, “You should of captured the pigeon too, not just the hawk, and you cut the tail off, and blah blah blah blah blah.”

I was distraught….so I hit her over the head with the damn bazooka lens.

When I returned from the hospital after having an emergency “penis-nutsack reattachment”, I threw the photo into photoshop for editing. Working through the pain of having my gigglestick ripped from my bwaahaahaa’s, I managed to come up with the following:

Mr. Coopers Hawk standing on top of Mr. Flying Rat

The "Who The Hell Are You & Leave Or I'll Gouge Your Eyes Out" look...

The "Big Dumb Idiot With The Camera Scares Hawk Away From Lunch" moment.

This guy (Red Tail Hawk) sat watching the whole thing unfold, patiently waiting for a chance to steal the Coopers meal.

Well, everyone survived the incident and of course, that was my fault. The Coopers Hawk was denied a well deserved meal, the Pigeon escaped to live another day, fulfilling its mission to capture the hearts of men worldwide by shitting on everything, and the Red Tail Hawk sat there for a few moments, dividing its time by fighting off pesky cowbirds and looking at me with that raptor “WTF” look. I felt bad, I denied the Cooper lunch, I denied the Pigeon a chance to die with dignity and I denied the Red Tail Hawk a chance to steal a bite from the Cooper.

I on the other hand, came out of the whole experience with a bruised pee-pee and a pissed off wife.

Maybe I should take up painting instead.

And so it throbs…